i am addicted to ecstasy
my body yields
my soul flies free
my heart screams
CONTRACT AND RELEASE
and the way you smile
leaves me shivering
concentrate on the page
what does it say
"shut off your head, open up your eyes
rise silence rise"

I am better than what you made me believe

it's quiet in here
but the music is all me
my fingers trace the air
with the simplicity of the beat
up and around
back down and stop
your mouth lifts on one side
the side i love the most
i lean forward to kiss it
and fall into your deep deep heart endlessly

i escape one torture
and go straight to the next
your hands hold me tight
but it doesn't help me to relax
i try you know
really i do, everyday
but its hard to be myself
while trying to hide the pain

adoption

so today my brother and his girlfriend gave up thier beautiful little baby girl for adoption. which is the best choice they could have made for her, but still its so sad! but she is with a family that has been trying but cannot have babies of their own and they are really cool. its open so we get to watch her grow up in pictures and they are going to tell her thats she was adopted and she will meet her brother and sister. and know her extended family, again probably through pictures. so thats all i got on that.

well this is just aweful. i really mean to blog like i should but its so hard to remember to do!!!! so we drove up to Folton yesterday to pick up my boyfriends son, and instead of it being a six hour drive, (3hrs there, 3 back) i got us lost and turned it into an 8 hr drive. somehow we ended up in freakin wright county, with no civilization in sight. not fun...

so all my money went to bills so i do not get to go to florida. and that pretty much sucks. and my blogging grade is horrible. which also sucks

i hate being sick, and i have been sick for three days now! and it sucks not being able to swallow water or FOOD or even spit (ew gross i know) and every morning i wake up thinking okay finally today i'll feel better...but NO!!!! not today anyway. strike three, maybe tomorrow i'll feel better.

cheese

the sharp metal collides with my skin
peeling down me
cutting deeply
to send me reeling with insanity

it's "if the shoe fits" in these times
and they do
and i did...
do what no one expected
and sent them shoes packing

and here, piled neatly
on your flowered plates, fine china, worthless expense
is a pile of me
pieces you searched for
and tore away from me
and left me, only half of me...left
i wonder as i chill in your frigid heart
if you cleaned the blade of me
if you washed the grates of my skin
if you threw away the unwanted pieces

i wonder as i chill in your icy hands
if you could be kind enough to return
your unwanted me

well my grandmother passed away last friday. she had cancer but now she is in a better place. we had to drive all the way to Clinton...which isn't that far. the funeral was very nice and it was great to see my family.