i am addicted to ecstasy
my body yields
my soul flies free
my heart screams
CONTRACT AND RELEASE
and the way you smile
leaves me shivering
concentrate on the page
what does it say
"shut off your head, open up your eyes
rise silence rise"

I am better than what you made me believe

it's quiet in here
but the music is all me
my fingers trace the air
with the simplicity of the beat
up and around
back down and stop
your mouth lifts on one side
the side i love the most
i lean forward to kiss it
and fall into your deep deep heart endlessly

i escape one torture
and go straight to the next
your hands hold me tight
but it doesn't help me to relax
i try you know
really i do, everyday
but its hard to be myself
while trying to hide the pain

adoption

so today my brother and his girlfriend gave up thier beautiful little baby girl for adoption. which is the best choice they could have made for her, but still its so sad! but she is with a family that has been trying but cannot have babies of their own and they are really cool. its open so we get to watch her grow up in pictures and they are going to tell her thats she was adopted and she will meet her brother and sister. and know her extended family, again probably through pictures. so thats all i got on that.

well this is just aweful. i really mean to blog like i should but its so hard to remember to do!!!! so we drove up to Folton yesterday to pick up my boyfriends son, and instead of it being a six hour drive, (3hrs there, 3 back) i got us lost and turned it into an 8 hr drive. somehow we ended up in freakin wright county, with no civilization in sight. not fun...

so all my money went to bills so i do not get to go to florida. and that pretty much sucks. and my blogging grade is horrible. which also sucks

i hate being sick, and i have been sick for three days now! and it sucks not being able to swallow water or FOOD or even spit (ew gross i know) and every morning i wake up thinking okay finally today i'll feel better...but NO!!!! not today anyway. strike three, maybe tomorrow i'll feel better.

cheese

the sharp metal collides with my skin
peeling down me
cutting deeply
to send me reeling with insanity

it's "if the shoe fits" in these times
and they do
and i did...
do what no one expected
and sent them shoes packing

and here, piled neatly
on your flowered plates, fine china, worthless expense
is a pile of me
pieces you searched for
and tore away from me
and left me, only half of me...left
i wonder as i chill in your frigid heart
if you cleaned the blade of me
if you washed the grates of my skin
if you threw away the unwanted pieces

i wonder as i chill in your icy hands
if you could be kind enough to return
your unwanted me

well my grandmother passed away last friday. she had cancer but now she is in a better place. we had to drive all the way to Clinton...which isn't that far. the funeral was very nice and it was great to see my family.

In a liquid existence
I long for things that should not be
corruption guards me
and I embrace these walls that cage me

Oh I can feel you everywhere
you who is not here
you whose words made me come alive

On the highway
in the middle of the night
bare feet on the pavement
the approaching lights make my
heart beat faster

And then I slide up into your skin
cause I no longer want to be
with the one I'm in
the water caresses it's ease
deep into my soul
come deeper
death is easier
I know you'll yield to me

*****

After loving and losing
time after time
I find there isn't enough of me left
to completely abandon myself to you.

Though you seem content with the pieces
I know better
and I know that once again
as we pass together in time
this lack of myself
or rather, whats left over
or just the total emptiness I have to offer
cannot truly be enough for you

And in our end you will become
just the same as the ones in my past
taking as much as i have left
or that I allow you to take
or give to you freely

And in leaving, or being left
I'll find myself only slightly more empty
than when we started

Though I'm sure your intentions
were to add to my life
and lift me up out of this pitiful mess
get my feet on something solid
so I can climb up and out.
I know you mean to protect
but...this is why I'm terrified of you

don't forget to blog

i SUCK at this blog thing! why would you go and assign something for the whole semester that I am going to have the worst trouble remembering to do! and now i've probably screwed myself and absolutly cannot get a good grade because i've lost so much time. ugh! i'm going to write post-it notes and stick them all around my house, and if that doesn't work then i'll just write it on my forhead in permenate marker- DONT FORGET TO BLOG. i hate blogging.

today

today was a long, nice peaceful day, and i called in sick to work, and went out instead. and hopefully tomorrow i'll get my act together and finish my homework....gotta love the weekend

conviction

Pricky pricky pins
all across my sins
Pride takes my balance
and I dip my fingers in
Silence creeps across my walls
like the chaos in your voice
It comes to where I am
slowly becomes my shadow
Unwillingly I stand
with-in my soul it rattles
Your eyes are drops of sky
your lips are my edge
If I could drink you in
I would never thirst again
Ah, but you've left me empty
like a shoreless ocean
And all that it contains
suddenly startles my notion
Of a bottomless plague
that i've kept here in a bottle
(I long for the fragrance of forgiveness)
Instead I tilt my head back and swallow
the liquid of my conviction

internet access

finally i have internet and a new comuter at my freakin house so i can get on here and catch up on my work and not have to drive al the way across town to my ma's house.....its just so nice! woo hoo!!!

death riding a bike

dude i saw the creepiest thing ever on my way to school today. you know how in movies and cartoons death is displayed in a hooded cloak with the pointy tip and hollow face, or no face at all...well i think he was riding a bike down national st. today, really i swear! but it was a tiny little thing with skinny arms and legs just a crusin. probably it was just a small girl with a face mask on but at a quick glance, it could have been him.....who knows

Oh the weather outside

i hate driving in the snow. i love the snow but i am so terrified that I'm gonna slide around or crash into something. about five minutes ago i almost had to drive across town in the snow but my sisters classes were canceled so i really only had to drive a VERY SCARY block. I don't believe i went over ten miles per hour the whole way, and my knuckles were white, i pretty much had to pry my fingers off the dang wheel! of course Brooke laughed at me when i threw it in park and slid back into the passenger seat and strapped myself in. what i don't understand is why i close my eyes when we slide or turn corners.....maybe if i can't see it then it's not really happening. Ha!

well i got the go ahead

Infinitely sad
terrorized by my own
fleeting thoughts
abandonment
judgment
unholy sacrifices
death...
stalking me
all these things
i think about these things
and i know,
when it comes down to it
there is no joy to bring
when the candle light is burning
and the last drop of wine
dissolving on my tongue,
and your perfect face
has been wasted
in my undeserving thoughts

um....

So here is my first blog. and i haven't even attended this class yet so i guess I'm crossing my fingers and hoping i do this right. i so was not expecting this for English class, i was thinking back to the days when i was in High School and thinking more along those lines. seriously all i can remember is my junior year teacher hated me, i must have freaked her out a little with some strange poetry or something Ha!
i wonder if i can get away with blogging poetry on here.